July 30, 2006 by annie.

in less than 48 hours, i’ll be road tripping around the southwestern united states. i’ll post when i return in about three weeks. for the first time, i feel quite apprehensive about this trip. this will be the longest i will ever be gone without having my son with me.

it is also a trip that is being taken with a person who’s friendship has caused me much sadness lately. friendships change and sometimes one person removes themselves from the routines that existed. i understand all that. however, i do want to be told if my friendship is being terminated. i expect honesty.

here’s the trick though…what do you do if honesty is not an option? what if a friend is so committed to not look bad?

personally, i’m tired and wounded. but i don’t need anyone to do me any favors. i’d be thrilled to go on the trip by myself.

so…with less than 48 hours left…what do i do? i do what i do best, i bought a pretty journal to record my deepest thoughts, charged my iPod to block out the world, and pack a Saul Bellow novel.

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July 24, 2006 by annie.

marshall b. rosenberg, ph.d. is the creator of nonviolent communication. it is a way of connecting with others and yourself compassionately. the center for nvc is a good resource for information. my friend jen, told me about nvc and i’m reading this book now. it really has me thinking. especially because, right now, i feel like so many of my connections are sad or broken in some way…both internally and externally. i also want to model compassionate connections for my son…he is so much like me in some ways. he has this ability to be so insightful. he is also so sensitive. 

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July 23, 2006 by annie.

so i’ve been thinking…why do we only have meaningful dialogue with each other when we agree on something? or when the subject matter is simple? why is it…that when we do not agree or have a conflict our communication breaks down and often resorts to condescending phrases, name-calling, or dismissive words? a few things that have happened recently have me mulling this over…one being the israel/lebanon war (and discussions that take place about it)…others closer to home.

a back story for explanation:
last week a rumor was being circulated about me between my family relatives. my (amazing) sister called me laughing, saying that my uncle had looked at my chick adventure guide to hiking blog and had been telling everyone that my hiking buddy was my girlfriend. now, i have nothing against girl-on-girl action…and since i’m throwing it all out there…i’ve had girlfriends in the past. i’ve also had boyfriends. but…my hiking buddy is not my girlfriend…and if my uncle thought so, he could have emailed/called me and asked. so i emailed him and told him that. this is what i said… 

Just a quick note to let you know that it was nice of you to check out my website. I enjoy hiking and being outdoors very much. I also wanted to let you know that Kelli is not my partner. She has a boyfriend. She is a friend and a co-worker who happens to share the same interests as I do. Nowhere on the website does it say that we are anything but friends. Before you pass along information that isn’t true, please feel free to ask me. You have my email address. I’m not that difficult to talk to, am I? I hope you both are doing well. Best to you, Annie 

the email i received in return was harsh, cold, and immediately closed off the possibility of any dialogue. i will not reprint it here…as it is not my words. the gist of it was that it wasn’t true. 

so…could i have been wrong? yes, i suppose so. the possibility for my making a mistake is always high. could he have been defensive because he was caught? yes, that’s possible.

honestly, interpreting the email is a moot point for me…i’m more interested in what prevents the meaningful dialogue? there are people that i connect deeply with…but let’s face it…they are people like me. how do i connect and dialogue with everyone else?

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July 22, 2006 by annie.

so i’m late finally getting to see this…but of course i thought it was great. it wasn’t new information for me though. there was one thing al gore said in the movie that really stood out to me. it was more a commentary on personality and it really struck home for me. he said (and i’m paraphrasing), “[some people move from awareness to despair without ever stopping in the middle to take action.]” the whole movie turned around for me in that one sentence. that is exactly how i work. i watch and become filled with overwhelming despair that becomes so big…how can anything ever change? in the case of global warming, i have us dead before the movie is over. but the simple recognition of that, freed me to say, “oh yeah, that’s me…but we’re not dead yet.”

on the way out of the movie there was this elderly couple who had been sitting next to me (the theater was packed)…and this was the exchange that took place:

husband: “we’re walking home.”
wife: “what’re you talking about?”
husband: “i’m serious! forget the car, we’re walking home!”
me: (laughing) “you want a ride?”
husband: (to me) “no! you’re walking home too!!!”

sometimes…i just love people…they put a piece back together for me without even knowing it.

so….i’m pledging to stop “between awareness and despair and take action“. will you?

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July 22, 2006 by annie.

the lebanon daily star (the largest english daily in lebanon) offers this template as a letter to your government representatives: 

http://www.dailystar.com.lb/help_lebanon.rtf

modify this letter as you see fit (or craft your own). i, personally, modified my letters quite a bit…but i felt strongly in asking my representatives to advocate on my behalf for a cease fire on both sides. peace should always be sought after. if only we were pouring the amount of money into diplomacy, peace, and foreign relations as we are in military defense, maybe we wouldn’t be watching such sadness. i find myself constantly vacillating between anger and despair. i really feel like my tax dollars have been killing people and i have no voice. a country’s leader’s are supposed to be representative of it’s people, right? where is my representation? who is my voice? which leader has my interest and the interest of my friends at heart? i am sorry to those people in israel that are suffering. i am sorry to those in lebanon. i am sorry to those around the world. i hope the united states finds its voice…soon.

for united states citizens, here is government guide that has all the addresses and emails of your representatives, just input your zip code: Government Guide

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July 18, 2006 by annie.

this whole thing makes me so sad. and i can’t help thinking…how much more destruction and pain will george w. bush be a part of before he leaves office?

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July 12, 2006 by annie.

what do you do when a friend hurts your feelings? i mean, not something huge, but does that matter? do you address it? do you let it go?

personally, i don’t have very many friends and those that i have are very close to me. i am not social and i don’t ‘chit chat’. so if you can’t get down into the ugly s**t in life, you can’t be my friend. i’m very loyal to those few friends that i have and i’m not afraid of their sadness, fear, despair, etc. i am willing to dwell in dark places with them and they are willing to do the same for me (although, we understand co-dependent behavior and know that sometimes professional help is required).

that said, i would address the friend that hurts my feelings. i wouldn’t make a big deal out it. i would just say, “hey, when you said/did this, my feelings were hurt. i thought you should know.” but i realized something recently (today). i wouldn’t stop there. i would go out of my way to make sure my friend was ok with what i was saying. in fact, i would explain that my feelings were hurt because it was my own issue (read it’s not legitimate or i’m too sensitive).

granted, navigating a new friendship is different than a well-established one…and this is a new one. but it makes me sad that i was unable to say, “i hurt” and instead i said, “i hurt, but it doesn’t matter.”

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July 11, 2006 by annie.

any respectable person would be sleeping right now, possibly dreaming of pink cows floating through a field of orange cars? i don’t often remember dreaming…so it’s probably a bad example. i hesitate to post what is in my head because it feels like i’d be spewing muck forth…without a purpose. so i’ll pose some questions that i may consider at a later date…

1. is it easier to not be accountable to someone with a mental illlness?
2. is it too hard to be friends with someone who has a mental illness?
3. can a person be too sensitive? if so, what does that look like?

i’m using the following definition for mental illness: mental illness refers collectively to all diagnosable mental health problems that become “clinical,” that is where a degree of professional intervention and treatment is required.

feel free to dialogue in the comments. i’d be interested in your opinions.

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July 9, 2006 by annie.

do you ever have the day where you lose yourself and nothing looks familiar and you are so totally broken? you frantically search for wherever you are, hoping you’ll crash into yourself. it doesn’t happen. you try to reach out…but you don’t know how. nothing familiar works. people don’t want to be around lost people. it’s too sad. it’s too tiring. do you know what i mean?

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July 7, 2006 by annie.

thanks to dave peterson, artist and studio owner of dave’s unique ink, i now have my third tattoo finished. it looks awesome. my mantra for the day is…”only one more”.

this is a pic of my tattoo…although it is not my actual tattoo. mine is in a place where you can’t have a picture. also, my eeyore does not have red on him. this eeyore was done by leif goldrick at DUI.

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