about me

i wonder if i’ll ever sleep like a normal person. my mind is awake at all hours never ceasing to declare my insanity. i am running out of things to do. i have cleaned the house, exercised, and eaten two pop tarts. what is left to entertain my soul?

i have figured it all out. i know the meaning of life. it is only revealed in the midst of the darkness. i contemplate my discovery and walk aimlessly around the apartment, wishing i had a better place to walk to. these are the times when i want a cigarette. but i remind myself i have quit. sometimes i think about going to the store but then i realize, i just want something to do.

i wander into tyler’s room. he is not there. he is almost fourteen now. he’s vacationing in disneyland with his step-mom. his room is clean today, well, at least picked up. i think of his name, tyler neale. i remember the joke in the hospital between jen and i. according to the baby book, tyler means “one who lays tile” and neale means “champion”. we told every one of the nurses my boy was a champion tile layer. now that is something to be proud of. he is beautiful. he has grown so tall, he’s now taller than me, with size 13 feet. he has a young man’s body. i love him very much.

so as i sit and try to figure out, “what words do i use to describe me”, i come up with a list:

• i am a mother
• i am a sister
• i used to smoke cigarettes
• i am an insomniac
• i am happy
• i live in the pacific northwest
• i love pop-tarts
• i have tattoos

i figure…i’ll add to the list when i am in a more revealing mood.