August 9, 2006 by annie.

i am back a week and a half early from my road trip. i came back yesterday. there are several reasons i came home early…but only one i’m willing to write about right now. i realized immediately that i am a mom. it’s not that i just figured that out…but it sometimes becomes extremely apparent to me that i am a mom first. my son is almost fourteen years old. every road trip i have taken has been with him alongside. the first time i hiked the grand canyon, he hiked with me. i cried for two days before i left because i had never left him for so long. but really, i thought, once i was on my way…i would be okay. but i wasn’t. i realized that i didn’t want to hike the grand canyon without him. i wanted him to see the sights. i wanted to have the experiences with him. mostly, i was sad that he was missing it. i am a mom…i made that choice a long time ago…and i don’t often recognize the fact that i enjoy it. soon, he will be off…finding his own adventures and making his own way in the world. but right now, we are experiencing the world in the same space…and i want to watch and know what he sees and how he likes it. i want to witness it.

i hiked the grand canyon while on this trip…only a couple of miles down this time…on the north rim (kaibab trail). the funny thing is…i saw this tree.

i have a thing for trees. i know it’s wierd…but i like to take pictures of trees. not just any tree…but a tree that catches my eye. sometimes they are shaped oddly…sometimes they are in a different place. sometimes…they are just beautiful…or beautifully dead. i don’t always remember what i see in them…but i take a picture. this tree, i saw ten years ago, while hiking the kaibab trail with my son. i took a picture then. hiking the same trail on this trip…i saw the same tree…and took another picture. it makes me smile. trees make me smile. being a mom makes me smile. being home makes me smile.

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July 30, 2006 by annie.

in less than 48 hours, i’ll be road tripping around the southwestern united states. i’ll post when i return in about three weeks. for the first time, i feel quite apprehensive about this trip. this will be the longest i will ever be gone without having my son with me.

it is also a trip that is being taken with a person who’s friendship has caused me much sadness lately. friendships change and sometimes one person removes themselves from the routines that existed. i understand all that. however, i do want to be told if my friendship is being terminated. i expect honesty.

here’s the trick though…what do you do if honesty is not an option? what if a friend is so committed to not look bad?

personally, i’m tired and wounded. but i don’t need anyone to do me any favors. i’d be thrilled to go on the trip by myself.

so…with less than 48 hours left…what do i do? i do what i do best, i bought a pretty journal to record my deepest thoughts, charged my iPod to block out the world, and pack a Saul Bellow novel.

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July 24, 2006 by annie.

marshall b. rosenberg, ph.d. is the creator of nonviolent communication. it is a way of connecting with others and yourself compassionately. the center for nvc is a good resource for information. my friend jen, told me about nvc and i’m reading this book now. it really has me thinking. especially because, right now, i feel like so many of my connections are sad or broken in some way…both internally and externally. i also want to model compassionate connections for my son…he is so much like me in some ways. he has this ability to be so insightful. he is also so sensitive. 

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July 23, 2006 by annie.

so i’ve been thinking…why do we only have meaningful dialogue with each other when we agree on something? or when the subject matter is simple? why is it…that when we do not agree or have a conflict our communication breaks down and often resorts to condescending phrases, name-calling, or dismissive words? a few things that have happened recently have me mulling this over…one being the israel/lebanon war (and discussions that take place about it)…others closer to home.

a back story for explanation:
last week a rumor was being circulated about me between my family relatives. my (amazing) sister called me laughing, saying that my uncle had looked at my chick adventure guide to hiking blog and had been telling everyone that my hiking buddy was my girlfriend. now, i have nothing against girl-on-girl action…and since i’m throwing it all out there…i’ve had girlfriends in the past. i’ve also had boyfriends. but…my hiking buddy is not my girlfriend…and if my uncle thought so, he could have emailed/called me and asked. so i emailed him and told him that. this is what i said… 

Just a quick note to let you know that it was nice of you to check out my website. I enjoy hiking and being outdoors very much. I also wanted to let you know that Kelli is not my partner. She has a boyfriend. She is a friend and a co-worker who happens to share the same interests as I do. Nowhere on the website does it say that we are anything but friends. Before you pass along information that isn’t true, please feel free to ask me. You have my email address. I’m not that difficult to talk to, am I? I hope you both are doing well. Best to you, Annie 

the email i received in return was harsh, cold, and immediately closed off the possibility of any dialogue. i will not reprint it here…as it is not my words. the gist of it was that it wasn’t true. 

so…could i have been wrong? yes, i suppose so. the possibility for my making a mistake is always high. could he have been defensive because he was caught? yes, that’s possible.

honestly, interpreting the email is a moot point for me…i’m more interested in what prevents the meaningful dialogue? there are people that i connect deeply with…but let’s face it…they are people like me. how do i connect and dialogue with everyone else?

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July 22, 2006 by annie.

so i’m late finally getting to see this…but of course i thought it was great. it wasn’t new information for me though. there was one thing al gore said in the movie that really stood out to me. it was more a commentary on personality and it really struck home for me. he said (and i’m paraphrasing), “[some people move from awareness to despair without ever stopping in the middle to take action.]” the whole movie turned around for me in that one sentence. that is exactly how i work. i watch and become filled with overwhelming despair that becomes so big…how can anything ever change? in the case of global warming, i have us dead before the movie is over. but the simple recognition of that, freed me to say, “oh yeah, that’s me…but we’re not dead yet.”

on the way out of the movie there was this elderly couple who had been sitting next to me (the theater was packed)…and this was the exchange that took place:

husband: “we’re walking home.”
wife: “what’re you talking about?”
husband: “i’m serious! forget the car, we’re walking home!”
me: (laughing) “you want a ride?”
husband: (to me) “no! you’re walking home too!!!”

sometimes…i just love people…they put a piece back together for me without even knowing it.

so….i’m pledging to stop “between awareness and despair and take action“. will you?

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July 22, 2006 by annie.

the lebanon daily star (the largest english daily in lebanon) offers this template as a letter to your government representatives: 

http://www.dailystar.com.lb/help_lebanon.rtf

modify this letter as you see fit (or craft your own). i, personally, modified my letters quite a bit…but i felt strongly in asking my representatives to advocate on my behalf for a cease fire on both sides. peace should always be sought after. if only we were pouring the amount of money into diplomacy, peace, and foreign relations as we are in military defense, maybe we wouldn’t be watching such sadness. i find myself constantly vacillating between anger and despair. i really feel like my tax dollars have been killing people and i have no voice. a country’s leader’s are supposed to be representative of it’s people, right? where is my representation? who is my voice? which leader has my interest and the interest of my friends at heart? i am sorry to those people in israel that are suffering. i am sorry to those in lebanon. i am sorry to those around the world. i hope the united states finds its voice…soon.

for united states citizens, here is government guide that has all the addresses and emails of your representatives, just input your zip code: Government Guide

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July 18, 2006 by annie.

this whole thing makes me so sad. and i can’t help thinking…how much more destruction and pain will george w. bush be a part of before he leaves office?

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June 22, 2006 by annie.

i’m attempting to start a blog again. last time i tried, i lasted a few months and then decided that it was way too vulnerable of an experience. the problem is the techie side of me always wants to do something on the computer. and since i have all the websites i need and loading my ipod with music costs way too much, i’m left with blogging. i figure this time i won’t let anyone know i’m here, atleast for a while.

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